Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Less talking, more tequila
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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