He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
