I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
