Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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