What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
