Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
