I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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