I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
my shit smells like andre
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Randomize
