I can't breathe out the right side of my face
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
