"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
a search helicopter?!
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
