All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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