my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Say something about gay babies.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
