she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
