Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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