Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Randomize
