Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
