The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
