You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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