I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
