i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
