I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
