I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
