Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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