Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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