If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
