R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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