Even the bartender felt bad for me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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