Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
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