Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
