youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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