Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
