guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
