Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
