I can tuck mytits in my pants
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
