Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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