its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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