My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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