The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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