wat bout pragnant strippers??
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My bed smells like the plague
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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