a queef is a wish your heart makes.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
