This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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