apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
