Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
