I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
