please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
