the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
