You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
