Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Randomize
