Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
