cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
