Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
