I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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