i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
