I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
