My Higher Power is John Stamos
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
