I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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