Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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