mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize