I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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