yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
