i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
